And I thought racism was dead.

Imagine ohh , was at work today and some 66year old man called to renew his policy. From the begining of our conversation, I felt he was awkward. I noticed his reluctance when I ask for his policy number because he went silent for like 5 seconds until I said hello before he gave me the details. Below is how the conversation went;

Mr: all I want to do is change the card detail because I don’t want to use that card this year
Me: I do understand, but I would have to run through the policy before I take the payment.
Mr : I don’t want you to go through the policy if you just cant change the card number I would take my business elsewhere
Me: the problem is not changing your card detail, it is just that I have to follow procedure (before they decide to start suing because they didn’t know this or that, we have to thoroughly cover ourselves).
Mr: the problem is not the procedure, the problem is 'you bloody people'. He hung up the phone.
Which bloody people?????

I took his number down, my intention was to call the heifer to explain himself better to me, I was so very angry, but I got another call and this was such a lovely man, he actually made me laugh half way through the call. So I thought no point wasting my time on primitive people who don’t want to move on.

This also takes me back to when I first arrived in this country, after finishing high school in naija asper I finished at a young age, I had to go back to high school now. So there I was ohh in my English literature class, I had two classes for that, one of the teachers loved me because her class was first and I made an excellent first impression on her. My believe is she must has told her colleague about me because from the first day I entered that woman’s class, she gave me attitude.

I found myself failing in one class and passing in the other which was very weird so I decided to talk to that foolish teacher. First she asked me if English is my first language, my head went spinning. Guess what she did next she pulled out a year 5 English book, all them tenses, nouns, and pronouns kind of books with short stories inclusive. God! I could feel the tears gathering behind my eyes. But I made sure I beat her to her own game.

At the beginning of the class, she presented an essay to us saying it was the best in class and the rest of it was shit. This essay was from the girl I compete with in the other class ohh, and most of the time I had a higher score than the girl sha, so I wasn’t even bothered.

Unfortunately for the crazy woman, she set exactly the same question half way through the class and what did I do? I looked at the girl’s essay she gave to us months back ( I kept it because I personally thought it was shit), pulled out like 5-6 shitty sentences from the shabby work and put it in mine untouched, pure and shabby like she wrote it.

I couldn’t wait for the results to come out, it did and all the 5-6 sentence were marked out in red, along with so many other sentences, it was my day. After class I went up to her to discuss the essay along with the girl’s original, I asked why I got such a terrible mark and why most of my work was marked in red, she told me because it was bad and asked me if I have been reading the book she gave. I told her bad uh? How come when the girl wrote it, it was the best work to the extent she had to photocopy for the class? She asked what I was talking about, and I pulled out the essay and pointed at it sentence after sentence. She stared at the essay and wouldn’t look up to my face and wouldn’t speak too. Just then someone knocked on the class room door. Saved by the bell.

I went home and cried my heart out to my mum and from that day I never went back to that school. So much for civilisation uhh?

Drunken Self

So now I am sitting on my bed, still feeling weak as hell, a result of getting drunk last night. I wonder why people actually get drunk; it is so not fun and funny how in this part of the world if one is not getting drunk one is not having fun.

So, I set myself on a mission last night to get drunk because I have never been drunk in my life. Not because I am immune to getting drunk but because I refuse to let my guards down, I am extremely conscious of my surroundings and would probably be the last person you would take advantage of.

It was my friend’s birthday get together yesterday, and she lives literarily behind my house so I and my housemates made our way there. At first I was just munching away while everyone was dancing and drinking. After like two hours, I noticed I have not heard a drop of alcohol which was surprising and I was beginning to think there was something wrong because usually I am first to grab a glass. Mind you I have a rule, strictly no larger, cider or beer, I personally don’t think it speaks well of a classy woman like me.

So last night I thought to myself, why don’t I just get drunk? This is just 3mins away from my house, I have my housemates around me and I have never had the gust to be drunk. I started with 2 tumblers of white wine and pulled out a bottle of red wine (my favourite, I just can’t get enough of red wine uhhh.) and downed the lot.

As at the time they were leading me home this morning, I was floating, got up to my room slept for a bit, woke at 7.30 to throw up and that’s what I did every 30mins till 5.30pm. Awwww what a horrible, horrible, horrible feeling. How do people get by this? I threw up until I almost gagged out my intestines, funny though I had no headache but I feel so so so weak am surprised I am actually even writing now.

Well at least now I know when I am drunk I don’t talk shit or act a fool and experience no headaches at some point though, I was thinking of calling paramedics because I thought the vomiting would kill me.

On that note I am never getting drunk again in my life, I think I have done my part.

Animal Fetish

Ok, here’s the deal, I am sick and tired of so many strange things all happening at the same time. Was watching television the other day, day time TV for that matter and there was this documentary kind of talk going on, it was about humans having sex with there pets or random animals.

Apparently, it is illegal to have sexual intercourse with animals and anyone caught in the act would get a prison sentence. Don’t know how many years though cause I was in the middle of getting ready for work.

So this man came up and said he is a farmer and a few days ago he heard something strange going on in is barn, he went in there and in the hot afternoon was a man having sexual intercourse with his horse. He declared he beat that man black and blue (lol! I personally think he should have cut off his balls instead. But hey! Datz mi tho. Lol!).

Anyway, another man was found having sexual intercourse with his dog, and when he was arrested for it, he said ‘why should he get arrested, after all he owns the dog’ thing is the dog is a male dog too, so you know where what was going. Hewlllllllll….
They arrested a woman after suspecting she was having sexual intercourse with her poodle, but she always denied it. Finally while in public, her dog decided it needed a lick and proceeded by going under her skirt, which confirmed the suspicion, she was taking into custody.

Well people, that just goes further to show you how dirty the world today is. May God help us.

P.S. I was thinking that I would like to start smoking. Any recommendations on what cigarettes brand to go for? I am giving myself two weeks before I start fully. And don’t ask me why, because I don’t know, plus it is not influence or peer pressure, I believe I have past all that.

Witchcraft ban ends in Zimbabwe

By Steve Vickers BBC, Harare.

I just thought I would share this with you all, isnt it amazing what the world is coming to, right before our eyes? Programmes with the likes of Harry Potter, Charmed etc have a great impact on how the matters of witchcraft is viewed today. Now to be a witch is 'supercool', to the extent that children write series of letters to 'JK Rowling' writer of Harry Potter to join her fantasy academy believing it to be real. Well people what can I say? Zimbabwe on the other hand decided to take full charge, read through the article.

Zimbabwe has lifted a ban on the practice of witchcraft, repealing legislation dating back to colonial rule.

From July the government acknowledges that supernatural powers exist - but prohibits the use of magic to cause someone harm.

In 1899, colonial settlers made it a crime to accuse someone of being a witch or wizard - wary of the witch hunts in Europe a few centuries earlier which saw many people burned at the stake after such accusations.

But to most Zimbabweans, especially those who grew up in the rural areas, it has been absurd to say that the supernatural does not exist.

In fact, it is not hard to find vivid stories about the use of magic.

Alfred, for example, believes that he was bewitched at work some years ago, making him partly bald.

He described how after supper one evening as he and his wife were retiring to bed his hair disappeared.

"When my wife came into the bedroom she look at me and said, 'What happened to your hair? Where's it gone?'

Claims of witchcraft need to be investigated instead of putting down every disorder in society that is taking in our society to witchcraft or modern magic
Thomas Deve, social commentator"She saw a bald patch from the forehead going back on the side of the head. There was no trace of it," he says.

He spent seven months visiting traditional healers to make it grow back.

"She made some incisions round the bald patch, put some powdery muti (medicine) and lo and behold within a few day the hair had grown."

Fetishes
There are many other accounts of the use of magic, and the new law effectively legitimises many practices of traditional healers.

'If you have that knowledge to capture a thief in a cattle kraal when he comes for the cows, well and good. It's like electrifying the fence round your house'
Traditional healer Claude Mararikei

Do you believe in witchcraft?

These include rolling bones to foretell the future, divination, attempts to communicate with the dead, using muti - traditional powders and fetishes - to ensure the desired sex of a child.

But there will be some legal grey areas, like whether it is legal for a husband to place some charms in his bedroom - charms that may injure his wife if she is unfaithful.

Professor Claude Mararikei - a sociologist and the chairman of Zimbabwe's Traditional Medical Practitioner's Council - argues that witchcraft has some positive benefits in the modern world.

He cites the example of a man who stole some bewitched cement that became stuck to the thief's shoulders so he could not remove the bag.

"So if you have that knowledge to capture a thief in a cattle kraal when he comes for the cows, well and good. It's like electrifying the fence round your house," he says.

'Waste of time'
Others believe that the country would be better off without elevating the supernatural.
"I think it's a waste of time and energy. The urban areas are not really caught up in these supernatural issues," says social commentator Thomas Deve.


"Claims of witchcraft need to be investigated instead of putting down every disorder in society that is taking in our society to witchcraft or modern magic," he adds.

The church in Zimbabwe has always believed that witchcraft exists, but it has been careful to establish the source of such supernatural powers.

"As Christians we've got to recognise that supernatural forces are good if they originate from God - now witchcraft is one of the things that originates from the Satanic world," says Reverend Roy Musasiwa who runs a theological college in the capital, Harare.

The Witchcraft Suppression Act was used fairly frequently, but prosecuting someone under the new legislation may prove difficult.

The new Criminal Law Codification and Reform Act will demand proof that a person has supernatural powers and that they are using them to harm others.

"It's not going to be easy task," says Custom Kachambwa, a judge with years of experience in the legal field.

He says witnesses will often be traditional healers, who could be accused of practising harmful magic in the future.

But whatever the problems, the repealing of the witchcraft laws is another sign that Zimbabwe's government is continuing to move away from Western values and placing more emphasis on the country's own traditions.

Fellow bloggers, this is disturbing.

I went home yesterday because I need a break, I have been working really hard since I got back from the States so I arranged with my family friend to come spend some time with me because we have not spent much time in each other’s company lately. I picked her up from my party area and we headed to my home.

She discovered that her friend whom she hasn’t seen for a very long time lives not too far from where I live and arranged with him to come over so they could have a miniature reunion. We could not host him yesterday because we were both tired. I on one hand had come a very long way, made a stop over at hers’ and got back home to cook some lovely dinner. On the other hand, she wanted to get settled and familiar with her surrounds before having anyone over.

Anyway today we met with; call him RF as in for reunion friend. RF came round and we had a fantastic time. We all went round my beautiful town and RF loved the fact that the major stores were at your convenience and promised himself to come back shopping. He ended up getting my friend and I a pair of shoes each. Those shoes are Gorgeous and he insisted so who am I to say no. we went to the movies to see transformers, good movie, so overall like I said we had fun.

Got back home and shortly afterwards RF gave us a call. He spoke to my family friend for a while and she handed the phone to me. This is the conversation that ensued.

RF: so Lighty I was talking to your friend and the thing is I am very lonely.
Me: ha ha why are you lonely?
RF: actually I need a girl in my life I use to have one that your friend knows about, I put everything into it and it ended in a muddle.
Me: why what happened?
RF: after I left Nigeria, the girl became an aristo chic and she suggested we break up after realising I found out.
Me: how long ago was this?
RF: its been three months now and when I see what I like I go for it. I talked to your friend but it seems like she has someone already and I am not someone to break up a happy home. So I saw you today and I like you.
Me: say what? (now I know this boy is on drugs, I think he grows weed on his head).
RF: I am saying I mean we are not kids here, plus I need a girlfriend and I think you will be the right person.
Me: ( err ehh… so that is what those shoes are about? I have always known that nothing goes for nothing in this life, no wonder). Love, I think you are broken hearted, and what you are looking for is a rebound. This is not the way forward boi! You just cannot float amongst friends and expect to get something real out of it.
RF: I mean I know what I want and I think you will be right for me.

To cut the story short RF decided that asking my friend to be his girlfriend and she turning him down was liberty enough for asking me the same on the same day, what a fucking liberty. I told him I don’t even fancy him in any way and he said we could start on friendship, it might lead to something. I told him that there was no point starting from somewhere when it would lead nowhere.

Guess what the guy says to me, he ask if my friend is still awake, I tell him to hold on I will give her the phone and I hear them talking about me and how he said I said I wasn’t his type in a horrible way. Anyway after that, he returned to asking her to be his girlfriend. And she let him down nicely.

Ahhhh!! What a desperado, or on second note what does this guy take us for? Is it the shoes? Because that would be the last time I will accepting a gift from any man.

Entrapment

Have you ever been pinned to a corner and feel the walls are closing on you? Or been in a relationship that feels like you are bonded by a chain with a lock on it as if a slave? Trust me, it is more freaky than scary.


About being trapped, let me get down to that. I had been with my ex for like 6months and in that 6months, my life was snatched away from me. Let’s call him X. My life was snatched away because by six months, X had let his mum know about me, literarily forced me to tell my mum about him, I was twenty. Ode me, I thought I was living the life because I believed it was love (actually i think i had a stupidity wool over my eyes, bless my lil' heart lol).


Anyway, X lives approximately one hour away from where I work but I had no problems seeing him as frequently as I wanted (or should I say ‘as we both agreed’?). So when X told me that his mum was coming over to see 'us' because she lives where I party, I had no troubles making that happen.


Well I got to X’s house a day before his mum was due to arrive and it was a nerve wrecking 24hr wait (ladies can feel me on this, when it comes to meeting your guy‘s mum for the first time it is bloody scary). X’s mum’s anticipated arrival finally came, and guess what? She came with his grandmother, haaa! His grandmother!!!!!!! from Nigeria? I thought to myself OMG this is crazy. I mean I knew she was around but I didn’t know she was going to travel such long distance as the grandson had just visited her the weekend before why would she come all the way?


I found out why shortly, after I was introduced as X’s wife by Mama X. Omo. I wanted to pass out, I was thinking sh*t if my mother should hear all these, she’ll break my head and ask me who gave my hand in marriage? Well the two women ate and after they were settled, Grandma X decided to make a calling. She beckoned on X and I, you will never guess what happened.


Cool down let me brief you. Grandma X told X and I to kneel down she wants to say a prayer for us. Darlings, this is where my entrapment comes in. I wanted to run away but I couldn’t, it was not possible. I wanted to scream my mother’s name and call for her to save me but that was not even an option. I was so freaked out that I don’t know if anyone noticed how unsettled I was. Umm… Well I managed to fall on my knees and the prayers started.


Grandma X: may you two love one another till the end, may you have as many kids as you want, may anything that tries to separate you be put in asunder yadi! yadi!! yada!!! As she was praying it, I was bouncing them off with the prayers in my head because it felt more like an oath taking session than a prayer to me. what??????? This is six months mate! What’s up with all these?


Anyway the ordeal ended and I was grateful for that until after 24hrs when it was time for mama X and grandma X to leave. This bit is the freakiest bit ever, and it still freaks me out when I remember it. Grandma X decided that she would not leave until she takes a photograph of X and I. There was no camera anywhere in the house and boi!!!!! Was that the happiest one minute of my life? (Not). Grandma X sat down and said she was not going anywhere until she takes a photo with her. Wahala oooo. I on the other hand was seriously praying that a camera would not turn up, camera for what nowww? Peoples, a camera turned up sha to my disappointment and ask me how?
Because she was so strong on her decision X’s younger brother had to go to the shops to get a disposable one and that was how Grandma X sat in-between X and I and younger X took the photograph, Grandma X was happy, she slipped the camera into her bag and they said their goodbyes. I was dazed thinking; what was all of that about?


Well sometimes you will find yourself believing in superstitions, menh! I prayed every night about that freaky encounter, every night. And I am glad to let you know that I have been out that relationship for exactly a year today. I just thought I’ll share a little bit of it with you, and when I think back on it, it scares the hell out of me.

Do you think I am overly thinking it? Could it be that it really meant nothing and maybe Grandma X was just expressing her joy?

Gay Torment

Ummm… people, I am in trouble. I mean what is going on around me? Why is it that every moving picture I focus on, there is gay action happening? I am thinking there could be three possible answers to this;

1. Either the world is now standing on its head or free will is overly expressed.
2. I am a bit too slow with the world’s revolving.
3. I have been oblivious to my surroundings.

I believe in free will and I have nothing to say about gay people, for or against. I mean literally, I don’t have anything to say. I don’t think about the issue, I don’t debate on it and as far as I am concerned it is just another trend people in the world have decided to follow. However, in the last month it has become too frequently thrown in my face.

It all started when I was in the States a month ago and I picked up a book titled ‘On The Down Low’ by J.L King, I read with great perplexity as to what the world has turned into. Like that was not enough dose for me, the Sunday programme on BET ‘Meet The Faith’ decided that the DL issue was to be the topic for that week. I decided to watch the programme with my mouth shut, leaving my head spinning.

I know by now most people are familiar with the DL issue. Its basically about men who in the eye of the society are 100% straight, some of them married with kids, but seek sexual intercourse in private with other men of their calibre and in the process increase the rate of HIV/AIDS among their women. These men are black men by the way, African American. But I am sure African men in Africa are guilty of the same.

However that’s not the issue for today. The issue for today is why gay attitude have become full-on in my face. Anyway, I came back from the States, forgot about the matter and carried on with my life, but nooooo, it had to come back to me.

I have been a member of the gym for a long time now, but just recently became a frequent visitor. I go for a 20mins run, 100 sit ups, 15min sauna a little bit of this and that routine, which includes a movie to take back home just to ensure my return to the gym the following day would be happening ( because knowing myself I probably would be too lazy to return. The movie keeps me in check).
Problem now is all the movies I have taken out recently have turned out to have gay substance in them.

The first one was ‘Broke Back Mountain’, how come nobody warned me about that movie? The sight of two men kissing is not attractive, nor appealing nor sexual nor anything. Anyway, that was that and I thought well it is over. Haaaaa not. The next movie I took out was ‘Night Whisperer’ based on a true story, good movie but surrounded by gay attitude, as if that wasn’t enough I worked round the clock on the few days following that, only for me to wake up on Sunday morning happy to have a day of rest (I go to church in the evenings), sat up on my bed, put my TV on, and what did I see??? I am sure by now you know, yes oooooooooo umm… It was two men touching on each other’s face in the omnibus ‘Hollyoaks’. At this point I begin to trace back my week and I become very aware that on each day of last week, there has been a content of gay nature popping it's head from my TV screen. Now, why I have decided to write this is not because of any of the above but because to top it all up I was walking into the train station from work this night and guess what I saw???????? Two men kissing and groping on each other.

Diary, am I imagining this? Or has homosexuality become part of the world’s day to day activity? Like you wake in the morning, take a shower, brush your teeth and step outside your door to see two men kissing?
Whatever it is, it is ringing a help alarm in my head. HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

while at work....

Yesterday, I was at work doing my normal saturday 8hr shift and believe me, I thought the day was never going to end. It was so damn busy and I was on red light all day long. The least number of calls I had waiting on my "aspect" was 23, just imagine!!!!! dem won kill me ( are they trying to kill me)??? anyways, whenever I was not feeling it I just sat there and stared at the red light or went on the internet and chatted with my loved ones. abi wetin man pikin go do now ( wot would the son of man do)? But out of everybody I sorted out yesterday, I remember this one guy very vividly.

It was a Nigerian man who called, a Nigerian igbo man to be precise. surname was Opara. noramlly I hardly get Nigerian calls I guess thats why when I get calls like dat, I am kind of excited (dont ask me why, cos I dont av an answer). except for one woman like that ohh some mrs Akinyemi woman..... imagine ohh this woman must have called and asked to set up insurance policy in the most yorubaish accent ever. that didnt even budge me. what bothered me the most was her rudeness.

Some Nigerian older people should learn to be respectful honestly... na so mrs Akinyemi do ohhh, land 4 my red book. (here's how mrs Akinyemi wind up in my red book)

mrs A: ehh I want toe set up an insurance policy foh my car

Lighty: would it be in your name?

mrs A: yes nau it is my car

Lighty: can I have your surname please?

mrs A: look it is a toyota corolla nineteen ninety sebin ( I spelt it out so u lot can get what I mean when I say she heard some strong accent) I dont have that much time can you please tell me how much it is.

at this point I knew it would be better if I didnt let her know I am nigerian, I thot am better off being professional and not friendly.

Lighty: madam I cannot give you a quote without entering ur details, it is through ur details that your premium is generated.

this woman no gree mi ohhhh (this woman wasnt having it)

mrs A: errr wo I dont av time to be answering all ur questions can you jos give mi the prise and let mi set it up.

Lighty: madam if it is a quick quote you want, you can go on our website www... and get one, if you have any problems give us a call back and we'll talk you through it.

mrs A: why suld I go onlye (online)? but I am speaking to u now why cant u jos tell mi the prise (lol! as in price)

abi woman yi ti mad ni??? (is this woman crazy?) abasi nbong nsun ton npo ( please lord, what is this)

Lighty: ok wotz ur surname please?

mrs A: ayy I have told you before it is jos a toyota corolla nineteen ninety sebin why cant you jos tell me the prise? why is so difficult 4 u to hear wot am sayin jos give mi the prise I dont av all day.

now mo mu 'pe woman yi ti mad ( now i know this woman is crazy). I swear, sometimes some of us Nigerians can be extremely difficult.

Lighty: I have to take your details mam

mrs A: then u wuld av to call me back, take this numba down

Lighty: what is the number?
am not one to be disrespectful to customers some of my collegues just tell rude customers off in a professional way and I that sometimes, but because I know my people, I could not be bothered to do that, its just long tellin her off.

mrs A: the numba is 020.... call me back now now. I dont have all day, I have things to do.

Lighty: I will call you

mrs A: ok, I will be waiting, call me now now ohh.

Lighty: alright then ill call u now. thanks for your call goodbye.


ha ha ha ha story....... I was thinkin.....just imagine how rude and you expect mi to call u back? when am the one tryin to help you out here. mrs joneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssie, about callin u back, errr.... no can do. sorry mate!!!! lol! nywayz the last thing I was goin to do that day was call mrs A back. I will rather take off my underwear, stand on my desk and dance with it on my head.


By the way where was I? ok mr Opara. so I tell mr O am nigerian and boiiii was he pleased? in his igbo accent too. am like r u igbo. he's like yeah how did u know? am like ur name ( not. more like I can tell from the accent). he's like what did you say you name was again so I tell him; Lighty. where r u from ( thing about my name is, its one of them names that you can never guess where it's from unless I tell u. its classic and very unique, most pple actually think its a nickname).

Anyway it turned out mr O lives not to far from where i live and he is like haaa after this we shuld hook up. I laugh it off. and because we keep full details of our customers, you have to register their fone numbers too, so i ask for mr O's fone number boiiii!!! was he happy, am like sir it is for company use. he's like save that number. read it to me again so I know you got the right digits. At this stage I decide to be strictly professional with mr O and coninued with my job, yadi yadi yadi. annual premium was told and mr O's voice went from high key to flat note. to be honest it was quite expensive am not gonna lie. and mr O was not happy too.

but somehow he managed to say well since ure my pipu and yav been very hepfu I guess ill just have to take it. my credit card no is ........... and err please call mi ehh wen u finish from work ayy, so we can hook up. ( ay ay ay as if. lol!)

am lyk thanks for your call enjoy ur day.......... I hung up the fone and laughed my head off. so there u go, something to lighten up my busy day.... ahhhhh honestly work gives me jokes sometimes.

diaryyyy I honestly love my job.

The Birth.

ok people..........................hi to y'all, this is me: fynnn as hell, light skin (my skin colour is one that intrigues people the most, the blend of it. not shockingly light, not brown, almost beige like and very rich in moisture and softness) extemely confident, cocky at times, true to self and dwell on facts. listen, dont get me wrong I encourage fantasy sometimes and I have just a few friends.

Here's the deal, I dont like keeping things in, because I beleive it makes it worse, so I've decided that you lot are going to be my diary. The good thing about this is that now my diary would share its opinion. ummmm!!!! I find that very fascinating. ha ha ha. the joy of it alone fills my heart.

I am Nigerian by birth, UK citizen by location, dual nationality that is. I party 45mins away from where I live, study 4hrs away from where I party and work 20mins away from where I study (estimated times by train) all in UK. I am your insurance consultant in UK, am saying this because you never know, if you live in UK you just might be speaking to me regarding your motor insurance. I deal with almost every single one of them, from BMW to Vauxhall to Tesco, you name them and thats because I work with a partnership governed by one of the major banks in UK.

Now.... I know this blog thing would require a lot of commitment, I will try my best to write to my diary (you) every now and then to share my daily joys, blessings and disappointments.

Let's get the ball rolling.