Fellow bloggers, this is disturbing.

I went home yesterday because I need a break, I have been working really hard since I got back from the States so I arranged with my family friend to come spend some time with me because we have not spent much time in each other’s company lately. I picked her up from my party area and we headed to my home.

She discovered that her friend whom she hasn’t seen for a very long time lives not too far from where I live and arranged with him to come over so they could have a miniature reunion. We could not host him yesterday because we were both tired. I on one hand had come a very long way, made a stop over at hers’ and got back home to cook some lovely dinner. On the other hand, she wanted to get settled and familiar with her surrounds before having anyone over.

Anyway today we met with; call him RF as in for reunion friend. RF came round and we had a fantastic time. We all went round my beautiful town and RF loved the fact that the major stores were at your convenience and promised himself to come back shopping. He ended up getting my friend and I a pair of shoes each. Those shoes are Gorgeous and he insisted so who am I to say no. we went to the movies to see transformers, good movie, so overall like I said we had fun.

Got back home and shortly afterwards RF gave us a call. He spoke to my family friend for a while and she handed the phone to me. This is the conversation that ensued.

RF: so Lighty I was talking to your friend and the thing is I am very lonely.
Me: ha ha why are you lonely?
RF: actually I need a girl in my life I use to have one that your friend knows about, I put everything into it and it ended in a muddle.
Me: why what happened?
RF: after I left Nigeria, the girl became an aristo chic and she suggested we break up after realising I found out.
Me: how long ago was this?
RF: its been three months now and when I see what I like I go for it. I talked to your friend but it seems like she has someone already and I am not someone to break up a happy home. So I saw you today and I like you.
Me: say what? (now I know this boy is on drugs, I think he grows weed on his head).
RF: I am saying I mean we are not kids here, plus I need a girlfriend and I think you will be the right person.
Me: ( err ehh… so that is what those shoes are about? I have always known that nothing goes for nothing in this life, no wonder). Love, I think you are broken hearted, and what you are looking for is a rebound. This is not the way forward boi! You just cannot float amongst friends and expect to get something real out of it.
RF: I mean I know what I want and I think you will be right for me.

To cut the story short RF decided that asking my friend to be his girlfriend and she turning him down was liberty enough for asking me the same on the same day, what a fucking liberty. I told him I don’t even fancy him in any way and he said we could start on friendship, it might lead to something. I told him that there was no point starting from somewhere when it would lead nowhere.

Guess what the guy says to me, he ask if my friend is still awake, I tell him to hold on I will give her the phone and I hear them talking about me and how he said I said I wasn’t his type in a horrible way. Anyway after that, he returned to asking her to be his girlfriend. And she let him down nicely.

Ahhhh!! What a desperado, or on second note what does this guy take us for? Is it the shoes? Because that would be the last time I will accepting a gift from any man.

Entrapment

Have you ever been pinned to a corner and feel the walls are closing on you? Or been in a relationship that feels like you are bonded by a chain with a lock on it as if a slave? Trust me, it is more freaky than scary.


About being trapped, let me get down to that. I had been with my ex for like 6months and in that 6months, my life was snatched away from me. Let’s call him X. My life was snatched away because by six months, X had let his mum know about me, literarily forced me to tell my mum about him, I was twenty. Ode me, I thought I was living the life because I believed it was love (actually i think i had a stupidity wool over my eyes, bless my lil' heart lol).


Anyway, X lives approximately one hour away from where I work but I had no problems seeing him as frequently as I wanted (or should I say ‘as we both agreed’?). So when X told me that his mum was coming over to see 'us' because she lives where I party, I had no troubles making that happen.


Well I got to X’s house a day before his mum was due to arrive and it was a nerve wrecking 24hr wait (ladies can feel me on this, when it comes to meeting your guy‘s mum for the first time it is bloody scary). X’s mum’s anticipated arrival finally came, and guess what? She came with his grandmother, haaa! His grandmother!!!!!!! from Nigeria? I thought to myself OMG this is crazy. I mean I knew she was around but I didn’t know she was going to travel such long distance as the grandson had just visited her the weekend before why would she come all the way?


I found out why shortly, after I was introduced as X’s wife by Mama X. Omo. I wanted to pass out, I was thinking sh*t if my mother should hear all these, she’ll break my head and ask me who gave my hand in marriage? Well the two women ate and after they were settled, Grandma X decided to make a calling. She beckoned on X and I, you will never guess what happened.


Cool down let me brief you. Grandma X told X and I to kneel down she wants to say a prayer for us. Darlings, this is where my entrapment comes in. I wanted to run away but I couldn’t, it was not possible. I wanted to scream my mother’s name and call for her to save me but that was not even an option. I was so freaked out that I don’t know if anyone noticed how unsettled I was. Umm… Well I managed to fall on my knees and the prayers started.


Grandma X: may you two love one another till the end, may you have as many kids as you want, may anything that tries to separate you be put in asunder yadi! yadi!! yada!!! As she was praying it, I was bouncing them off with the prayers in my head because it felt more like an oath taking session than a prayer to me. what??????? This is six months mate! What’s up with all these?


Anyway the ordeal ended and I was grateful for that until after 24hrs when it was time for mama X and grandma X to leave. This bit is the freakiest bit ever, and it still freaks me out when I remember it. Grandma X decided that she would not leave until she takes a photograph of X and I. There was no camera anywhere in the house and boi!!!!! Was that the happiest one minute of my life? (Not). Grandma X sat down and said she was not going anywhere until she takes a photo with her. Wahala oooo. I on the other hand was seriously praying that a camera would not turn up, camera for what nowww? Peoples, a camera turned up sha to my disappointment and ask me how?
Because she was so strong on her decision X’s younger brother had to go to the shops to get a disposable one and that was how Grandma X sat in-between X and I and younger X took the photograph, Grandma X was happy, she slipped the camera into her bag and they said their goodbyes. I was dazed thinking; what was all of that about?


Well sometimes you will find yourself believing in superstitions, menh! I prayed every night about that freaky encounter, every night. And I am glad to let you know that I have been out that relationship for exactly a year today. I just thought I’ll share a little bit of it with you, and when I think back on it, it scares the hell out of me.

Do you think I am overly thinking it? Could it be that it really meant nothing and maybe Grandma X was just expressing her joy?

Gay Torment

Ummm… people, I am in trouble. I mean what is going on around me? Why is it that every moving picture I focus on, there is gay action happening? I am thinking there could be three possible answers to this;

1. Either the world is now standing on its head or free will is overly expressed.
2. I am a bit too slow with the world’s revolving.
3. I have been oblivious to my surroundings.

I believe in free will and I have nothing to say about gay people, for or against. I mean literally, I don’t have anything to say. I don’t think about the issue, I don’t debate on it and as far as I am concerned it is just another trend people in the world have decided to follow. However, in the last month it has become too frequently thrown in my face.

It all started when I was in the States a month ago and I picked up a book titled ‘On The Down Low’ by J.L King, I read with great perplexity as to what the world has turned into. Like that was not enough dose for me, the Sunday programme on BET ‘Meet The Faith’ decided that the DL issue was to be the topic for that week. I decided to watch the programme with my mouth shut, leaving my head spinning.

I know by now most people are familiar with the DL issue. Its basically about men who in the eye of the society are 100% straight, some of them married with kids, but seek sexual intercourse in private with other men of their calibre and in the process increase the rate of HIV/AIDS among their women. These men are black men by the way, African American. But I am sure African men in Africa are guilty of the same.

However that’s not the issue for today. The issue for today is why gay attitude have become full-on in my face. Anyway, I came back from the States, forgot about the matter and carried on with my life, but nooooo, it had to come back to me.

I have been a member of the gym for a long time now, but just recently became a frequent visitor. I go for a 20mins run, 100 sit ups, 15min sauna a little bit of this and that routine, which includes a movie to take back home just to ensure my return to the gym the following day would be happening ( because knowing myself I probably would be too lazy to return. The movie keeps me in check).
Problem now is all the movies I have taken out recently have turned out to have gay substance in them.

The first one was ‘Broke Back Mountain’, how come nobody warned me about that movie? The sight of two men kissing is not attractive, nor appealing nor sexual nor anything. Anyway, that was that and I thought well it is over. Haaaaa not. The next movie I took out was ‘Night Whisperer’ based on a true story, good movie but surrounded by gay attitude, as if that wasn’t enough I worked round the clock on the few days following that, only for me to wake up on Sunday morning happy to have a day of rest (I go to church in the evenings), sat up on my bed, put my TV on, and what did I see??? I am sure by now you know, yes oooooooooo umm… It was two men touching on each other’s face in the omnibus ‘Hollyoaks’. At this point I begin to trace back my week and I become very aware that on each day of last week, there has been a content of gay nature popping it's head from my TV screen. Now, why I have decided to write this is not because of any of the above but because to top it all up I was walking into the train station from work this night and guess what I saw???????? Two men kissing and groping on each other.

Diary, am I imagining this? Or has homosexuality become part of the world’s day to day activity? Like you wake in the morning, take a shower, brush your teeth and step outside your door to see two men kissing?
Whatever it is, it is ringing a help alarm in my head. HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

while at work....

Yesterday, I was at work doing my normal saturday 8hr shift and believe me, I thought the day was never going to end. It was so damn busy and I was on red light all day long. The least number of calls I had waiting on my "aspect" was 23, just imagine!!!!! dem won kill me ( are they trying to kill me)??? anyways, whenever I was not feeling it I just sat there and stared at the red light or went on the internet and chatted with my loved ones. abi wetin man pikin go do now ( wot would the son of man do)? But out of everybody I sorted out yesterday, I remember this one guy very vividly.

It was a Nigerian man who called, a Nigerian igbo man to be precise. surname was Opara. noramlly I hardly get Nigerian calls I guess thats why when I get calls like dat, I am kind of excited (dont ask me why, cos I dont av an answer). except for one woman like that ohh some mrs Akinyemi woman..... imagine ohh this woman must have called and asked to set up insurance policy in the most yorubaish accent ever. that didnt even budge me. what bothered me the most was her rudeness.

Some Nigerian older people should learn to be respectful honestly... na so mrs Akinyemi do ohhh, land 4 my red book. (here's how mrs Akinyemi wind up in my red book)

mrs A: ehh I want toe set up an insurance policy foh my car

Lighty: would it be in your name?

mrs A: yes nau it is my car

Lighty: can I have your surname please?

mrs A: look it is a toyota corolla nineteen ninety sebin ( I spelt it out so u lot can get what I mean when I say she heard some strong accent) I dont have that much time can you please tell me how much it is.

at this point I knew it would be better if I didnt let her know I am nigerian, I thot am better off being professional and not friendly.

Lighty: madam I cannot give you a quote without entering ur details, it is through ur details that your premium is generated.

this woman no gree mi ohhhh (this woman wasnt having it)

mrs A: errr wo I dont av time to be answering all ur questions can you jos give mi the prise and let mi set it up.

Lighty: madam if it is a quick quote you want, you can go on our website www... and get one, if you have any problems give us a call back and we'll talk you through it.

mrs A: why suld I go onlye (online)? but I am speaking to u now why cant u jos tell mi the prise (lol! as in price)

abi woman yi ti mad ni??? (is this woman crazy?) abasi nbong nsun ton npo ( please lord, what is this)

Lighty: ok wotz ur surname please?

mrs A: ayy I have told you before it is jos a toyota corolla nineteen ninety sebin why cant you jos tell me the prise? why is so difficult 4 u to hear wot am sayin jos give mi the prise I dont av all day.

now mo mu 'pe woman yi ti mad ( now i know this woman is crazy). I swear, sometimes some of us Nigerians can be extremely difficult.

Lighty: I have to take your details mam

mrs A: then u wuld av to call me back, take this numba down

Lighty: what is the number?
am not one to be disrespectful to customers some of my collegues just tell rude customers off in a professional way and I that sometimes, but because I know my people, I could not be bothered to do that, its just long tellin her off.

mrs A: the numba is 020.... call me back now now. I dont have all day, I have things to do.

Lighty: I will call you

mrs A: ok, I will be waiting, call me now now ohh.

Lighty: alright then ill call u now. thanks for your call goodbye.


ha ha ha ha story....... I was thinkin.....just imagine how rude and you expect mi to call u back? when am the one tryin to help you out here. mrs joneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssie, about callin u back, errr.... no can do. sorry mate!!!! lol! nywayz the last thing I was goin to do that day was call mrs A back. I will rather take off my underwear, stand on my desk and dance with it on my head.


By the way where was I? ok mr Opara. so I tell mr O am nigerian and boiiii was he pleased? in his igbo accent too. am like r u igbo. he's like yeah how did u know? am like ur name ( not. more like I can tell from the accent). he's like what did you say you name was again so I tell him; Lighty. where r u from ( thing about my name is, its one of them names that you can never guess where it's from unless I tell u. its classic and very unique, most pple actually think its a nickname).

Anyway it turned out mr O lives not to far from where i live and he is like haaa after this we shuld hook up. I laugh it off. and because we keep full details of our customers, you have to register their fone numbers too, so i ask for mr O's fone number boiiii!!! was he happy, am like sir it is for company use. he's like save that number. read it to me again so I know you got the right digits. At this stage I decide to be strictly professional with mr O and coninued with my job, yadi yadi yadi. annual premium was told and mr O's voice went from high key to flat note. to be honest it was quite expensive am not gonna lie. and mr O was not happy too.

but somehow he managed to say well since ure my pipu and yav been very hepfu I guess ill just have to take it. my credit card no is ........... and err please call mi ehh wen u finish from work ayy, so we can hook up. ( ay ay ay as if. lol!)

am lyk thanks for your call enjoy ur day.......... I hung up the fone and laughed my head off. so there u go, something to lighten up my busy day.... ahhhhh honestly work gives me jokes sometimes.

diaryyyy I honestly love my job.

The Birth.

ok people..........................hi to y'all, this is me: fynnn as hell, light skin (my skin colour is one that intrigues people the most, the blend of it. not shockingly light, not brown, almost beige like and very rich in moisture and softness) extemely confident, cocky at times, true to self and dwell on facts. listen, dont get me wrong I encourage fantasy sometimes and I have just a few friends.

Here's the deal, I dont like keeping things in, because I beleive it makes it worse, so I've decided that you lot are going to be my diary. The good thing about this is that now my diary would share its opinion. ummmm!!!! I find that very fascinating. ha ha ha. the joy of it alone fills my heart.

I am Nigerian by birth, UK citizen by location, dual nationality that is. I party 45mins away from where I live, study 4hrs away from where I party and work 20mins away from where I study (estimated times by train) all in UK. I am your insurance consultant in UK, am saying this because you never know, if you live in UK you just might be speaking to me regarding your motor insurance. I deal with almost every single one of them, from BMW to Vauxhall to Tesco, you name them and thats because I work with a partnership governed by one of the major banks in UK.

Now.... I know this blog thing would require a lot of commitment, I will try my best to write to my diary (you) every now and then to share my daily joys, blessings and disappointments.

Let's get the ball rolling.