MY Addiction

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

When a good girl goes bad. It might be for a season not forever.

I wasn’t lonely, nor heartbroken, nor insecure. I was angry, very annoyed and even though I don’t believe cheating was the way forward it in some way calmed me down.
I know what you all thinking, how could cheating calm me down? It subdued my anger in some very funny way. But you know what they say right? Once you cheat with some person you end up finding yourself in the same position with that person.

Yes I had a boyfriend, yes I loved him pieces, yes I was very able to separate my cheating life from my loved up relationship, and yes I find it weird myself.
Yes he was in a relationship, yes he knew I was in one too, yes we shared each other’s relationship problems, yes we were mighty good friends, yes his girlfriend knew me; in actual fact she grew to love me even though she met me through her boyfriend.

Of course I felt guilty, guilty with the fact this girl trusted me, and angry with the guy for cheating on someone you say you love so much.
I asked him constantly why he was cheating, and he had no valuable response, only that he was some what attracted to me. I asked him if he was aware I didn’t see him in that light; if he knew I would not leave my boyfriend to be with him, if he knew that even if he decided to leave his girlfriend it wouldn’t be to start a relationship with me.

He went crazy, I asked him why he was so crazy, he told me I cut him deep, he told me he just couldn’t believe I had no feelings for him on that level. I told him it might sound harsh but I didn’t. I told him I see him as a brother, but with the occasional filling up when necessary. He told me I was talking crazy, I told him I really didn’t care if I was. It was what it was.

I hung out with his girl whenever she was in town, we went shopping together, theatres, cinemas and occasional eat ins’. He introduced me as his kid sister; I shook my head and called him a bastard in my mind. I hated him for doing this to her. I felt disgusted for betraying her so.

My boyfriend was acting dumb, working all the time, snapping every now and then constantly, constantly got jealous whenever I told him I was with friends. He would go into a rage and feel sorry all at once and blamed it on the hard work and how he had no life but I was enjoying mine. Well that aint my fault is it? I sincerely believed he sensed I was cheating, knew something was going on but just could not put his finger on it. Why? I constantly answered his calls, I showed nothing but love because I genuily loved him anyway. If he called me 18 times a day, I pick up 18 times a day regardless. The other guy was jealous, I couldn’t understand why. I mean that wasn’t the plan, well there was no plan.

I met guy through a friend, he just moved into my town for educational purposes, I thought him attractive, it was in his house. My friend said she was going visiting a friend and said to tag along. There were his other friends too, we had a steamy conversation about relationships, they thought me clever, I was youngest in the group and they wouldn’t believe my age. We all became friends, with all of them but him, I was closer too. We started visiting each other, we laughed togehter, we listened to music together, we had the same taste in music, he was witty, he was handsome but I didn’t see me with him though. He wasn’t for me at all.

I had not spoken to my boyfriend for 2days he calls me and starts with a non-chalant attitude, and his constant nagging and beating around the bush kind of ish. Guy invited me to his place for sleep over, guy has been asking me for this in the last week but I turned him down. Why did I do that? He slept at mine? Just the other day guy and I were having a sleep over at mine when I had one steamy argument with my boyfriend, it ended with me crying into guy’s cuddle and we slept off. So on this day guy asked for me to have a sleep over at his I couldn’t turn it down, I thought that’s what friendship’s for, I had to return the now regular sleep overs guy bestowed on me.

I was in guys’ house, we watched a movie, we ordered Chinese, we dimmed the lights, there was soft music playing, I turned my back, I was horny, I was mad cos I was horny, I was mad at my boyfriend cos if not for his stupid acts I would not have run into guy’s arms, I was mad cos I needed guy to touch me so bad and angry because I felt that way. Guy touched me, and waited, I did not resist. First it were my thighs, then my tummy, then my left breast, then tightens my left nipples in between his fingers, I liked it and that was all it took.

So guy and I started this, but we never talked about it, it was great, I loved to tease, he liked the chase, so it was mad, he would chase for thirty minutes sometimes before I would eventually give in, I knew I was gonna give in, I loved it when he begged for it, but I loved my boyfriend more and I blamed him for this.

So now guy wanted feelings attached, that I couldn’t do, I didn’t even bother trying, I wanted it to go no where, I wanted my boyfriend to come to his senses, I never talked about me and guy, except to my best friend, I told myself I wasn't doing anything with guy, I convinced myself nothing ever happened, I believed it, I guess that was how I managed to pull it off. It was getting too crazy for me, the sex was hot like fire, more like fireworks, no more like volcano eruptions.

Guy seemed like he was genuinely falling for me, he loved to take pictures of me, he was obsessed with me, his girlfriend got angry with him one day, and told him to delete all my pictures off his laptop, her reason; he had more pictures of me than her, I guess that’s a good enough reason. I stopped answering guys calls, I stopped seeing guy, I was more concerned with her than him, I didn’t want to hurt her, cos I know how it’ll be if someone tried to take my man from me, more so, I didn’t even want her man.

Guy went crazy, I ignored him, He came knocking on my door, I didn’t open, he came another time at 2.30am to knock on my door, still I ignored him, I wasn’t going to have anything to do with him. Then my boyfriend started cheating, female intuition, so I let guy back into my world just for payback. Was on it with guy when I confronted my boyfriend, I was with guy when I got my boyfriend to confess, still was with guy when I left my boyfriend, in fact I was with guy until guy left town. Then I deleted every contact I had with guy. I wished guy a happy life.

I chatted with guy the other day he told me to send my pictures; I said no. He asked if I’ve changed my number; I said yes. He asked if he could have my new number; I said no. I asked him when he was to get married; he didn’t respond. He said he hated it when I talked about that part of his life; I said well it is your life what you gonna do? He said if I would take him he would break up his relationship; I said I wouldn’t. He asked if I hated him that much; I said I didn’t hate him and I had to go. Msn; logged off 2:35am 06.04.06. I am never cheating again.

38 finger tappings:

soupasexy said... first!! awwwwww, dont even know what to say..was this like recent, if it is u must be hurting from breaking up with your love..but take it easy sha, u'll be aight.

soupasexy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
soupasexy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
diary of a G said...

hey lighty just showing some love
I'll holla

Afrobabe said...

Hmmm at least u are having fun...I need to cheat real bad right now...dont even know if it will be cheating as I dont know if i am in a relationship...

Rayo said...

Do you think your relationship with your bf would have lasted even if you didn't cheat?

Queen of My Castle said...

First of all...I AM DIGGING THIS PLAYLIST!!!!!!!!!!!

Can relate all too well to your situation. I think sometimes we need these experiences for our own sanity and to also be more empathetic of others, like guy's girlfriend. Don't beat yourself up about it though. Take it as a lesson learned and keep it moving.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lighty said...

@supasexy... no it wasnt recent at all must be 2years ago now. I was really hurting then cos even though i did what i did. i still payed him all the attention he deserved. and i wasnt happy about my doings anyway.

@DoG... i hear u. even though i really doubt u'll holla.

@afrobabe... lol! u're confused about being in a relationship??? I think i am too. although am not so sure if i should be confused or not. the ish is not even justified enuf to be termed as complicated.
and if u not in a relationship, i do not thinking u're cheating anymore. my opinion.

@rayo... Nope!!! the guy is a liar anyway, i dont think he can tell the truth to save his life. lol. i also dont think he was what i wanted. after ish happened, i was happy it did, cos if he hadnt cheated i would not have broken up with him but i also believe by now i probably would be miserable.

@Queen...thank you thank you thank you *taking a bow in process* u know i tryyyyyyyyyy.

anyway, about the issue at hand, i agree with you. i have long stopped beating myself about it too. hopefully she never gets to find out. cos that would just be heart shattering. how horrified she would be. *sign* we all live and learn dont we.

guerreiranigeriana said...

interesting...i do dig the way you wrote this, have you indeed stopped cheating?...

Honeywell said...

in some way, i can relate to this.... i agree with what you did though.. sometimes the best thing for your sanity is to cut off all ties and start from scratch....

pink gloves said...

cheating only complicates things. I can say so from experience, situations can get messy.

SouLBoutiQue said...

This is not You!! I'm yelling this is not you!!! I can't believe this. nope this is someone else's story abi? yes that is what i'm going to tell myself. Because THIS IS NOT THE LIGHTY I KNOW ON AND OFF BLOGVILLE!!!!! Now that i've finished screaming. i'm back.

anyway good write up nonetheless.

Lighty said...

@guerr... oh yes hun! it happened to be my first and its my last. dat was 2years go tho.

@honeywell... its funny how so many people can relate, am happy he moved out of town cos he was begining to go crazy and me of which i was bewilded by cos dude still has the same girlfriend.

@pink gloves... indeed, very sticky too. i dont think i av the heart to ever do it again tho, i mean its all to messed up. crazy stuff.

@soulboutique... sorry darling am sure ur eyes are rolling in ur sockets now. but ey, it is wot it is. it took my so long as well to admit to myself i actually did that. because as u know, that is completely not me. at all. shit happens my dear friend, shit happens.

Jaja said...

See drama...
Me, I dont understand about relationships..

bumight said...

i dont know what it took to write this. I dont even know what to say. I think if you cheat on ur bf/gf it shows that the level of love u have for him has depreciatedin some way. I dont like to think about the whole complications with relationships :)

Lighty said...

@jaja... lol about the drama, and wot on earth dont u understand about relationships?

@bumight... at all no depreciation, not one bit. i was in it, and am telling u can u can trully love someone and cheat on the person simultaneously, ask the men, they'll tell u the same.

diary of a G said...

Lighty can I be a guy please? lol

I gotta say I like what(GUY)did. sorry....but like you said

"When a good girl goes bad. It might be for a season not forever"

thats one thing I know...I love it when girls tell me their man be acting like a jerk or usually lead to this situation

told u I'd Holla lol

diary of a G said...

when ur persistent

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
archiwiz said...

Wow!!! I could feel that that was straight from the heart.

OluwaDee said...

Moral lesson, do not cheat.
Hang in dr girl, u wil get by.

30+ said...

I see some soul cleansing going on it's all good

The best teacher they say is Experience. I am sure you have learnt and grown from the experience.

Ms. Catwalq said...

what did u do to yourself.

Lighty said...

@DoG... u cant be serious. i aint even got words for u now. its still love tho.

@archiwiz... u got that right. undiluted too.

@oluwadee... lol! totally agree. oh! ive gotten by long time ago, its just something i never talked about. or lets say something i never came to terms with believing actually happened and while it was on-going, it was as if i was imagining it.

@30+... u know wot they say??? to get out negativities- u go through cleansing. i just butted out my hidden guilt, pulled it out the far back of my brain and disposed of it for the better.

@kitty... i've made myself whole again.

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

aye aye aye..bad girlly

i wanro cheat

I think girls are better cheaters than guys..we know how to cover it up better

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

oh and I was talking to my cousin the other day and he said if a girl cheats on her man she does not love him but if a man cheats on his girl he loves her...some stupid double standard ehn?

since you have been in that position can sincerely say you loved your exboyfriend now that you look back?

Lighty said...

@zephi.... with all of my life i did, i thot i was gonna die when i found out he was cheating. and if not for how he cheated. am sure i would av taken him back.

lookin back, i'll say to u that i av never loved any1 like i loved him and i doubt if i would ever do.

so forget the double standards. that u cheat dont mean u stopped loving. a little confession, i use to actually cry when making love to the other guy. dont ask me why. but the guilt almost ran me down. lol!

Lighty said...

@zephi.... with all of my life i did, i thot i was gonna die when i found out he was cheating. and if not for how he cheated. am sure i would av taken him back.

lookin back, i'll say to u that i av never loved any1 like i loved him and i doubt if i would ever do.

so forget the double standards. that u cheat dont mean u stopped loving. a little confession, i use to actually cry when making love to the other guy. dont ask me why. but the guilt almost ran me down. lol!

darkelcee said...

I thot i dropped a comment ealier? where is it oh.....

the comment was, i dont know what to say neither am i a judge.

my motto in life is "do unto others what you want them to do to you" and also there is a time of planting and harvest(ECC in the bible)so i live my life with these principles guarding me.

love you loads!

Lighty said...

@darkelcee... ummm u sure u left a comment? and its no longer there i think that amazes me more than it does u.

and wot if i told u i lived by that motto too? would u call me a liar? i think there and times and situations like this one, when actually it seems like its an alter ego controlling the situation.

i wouldnt blame it on that, but i would also say u can call me one of the most principled person u've ever come in contact with. even my ex boyfriend and the guy i cheated with can testify to that.

anyway that was 2years ago. i still remain as prrincipled as i was before the situation. i think i was curious about cheating like i am about most things anyway, and my trial would av been worthless if i had cheated on some1 i didnt love. i discovered that it is not worth ur while, some1 always wants more and things always get complicated.

just like i got drunk just to see how it feels. i think i do this things to know of why i keep principled in the first place.

Zephi Fahrenheit said...


Smaragd said...

hey, i like ur writing style, and i totally relate as per doing something even u cant believe u are doing but doing it anyway.
take heart babe, having the courage to talk about it is really noble of u.

Abbie said...

Next question. Are you Nigerian? More importantly, are you anonymous???

Abbie said...

ps: No judgement (see my blog name)
Just curious.

Lighty said...

@zephi... oh yeah. lol.

@smaragd... thx sweetie

@abbie...yes am nigerian and yes i believe i am anonymous. and my question, why did u ask???

yeahh i see ur blog name, and i am beginning to hate u. and ur james bond atttitude. lol!