Arcana...

I have a dream, in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment; I shall rise.

Dear bloggers

I am sorry it has taken me years to finally compose myself, to decide that YES my spirit is filled again to write, to tell myself that; I want to live again, want to breathe again, want to feel peace again and want to be FREE again.

I realise I have been a slave to life the past two years; I have drowned myself in sorrow just because I felt it was the right thing to do. I have lived a lonely life just to get me an excuse to fall into a depression. I have cried over silly things and I have exalted vanity. I have lived my life anti-clockwise just to be rebellious, I have avoided love so many times and embraced lies and lust on a couple of occasions. It’s amazing looking back on life and not only seeing the things you have done wrong but seeing the things you have chosen to do wrong. Could it have been rebellion? maybe I was fighting the strength in me…telling me “c’mon” be a little weaker”. Often times I sit and think of these things, think of why I have chosen to live in gloom. Could it be because of suppressed hurt? Are my heart breaks more than I am counting? Am I in denial over issues in my past? Do I have bottled up anger and grudges that I have decided to store away? When I think about it, I think about a computer and its recycle bin…how you can delete items but it stays in the computer…somewhere, away from things you need but can either be totally wipe out or restored.

Dear bloggers… I put myself in a depressed prison that only I had the keys to open… and yet my outside was of high spirits and light. Talk about hypocrisy (rolling eyes). I could not bring myself to write because writing is the one area I am totally honest with myself… I cannot bring my hands on my keyboard and tell a lie… it just doesn’t work… that would be robbing me of the last bit that’s left of me.
Sometime in the course of the last two years a friend said to me that they fancied my life. That I had it going and that they wished they were in my shoes…I couldn’t help but be honest….I replied by saying ‘what you are wishing for in me is a façade…all of these is for you to see…it is not what it really is…it is a make believe.
For example that I wear designer accessories does not mean I am rich…it means I am in debt. I live in a beautiful apartment…what you don’t know is I get shit services…every single thing takes forever to get sorted or never get sorted; for instance my TV aerial socket has no connection and since the 2nd of December 2009 and when am having a guest put in a DVD so you never notice that fact. You think I have a high flying job like I make believe…the truth is I hate my job with every fiber in me and want out o so badly. You look at me and you think am posh…you think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and you think money will be the last of my worries…money is the first of my worries…I’ve got 99 problems 98 of them is money…I wake up each morning and ask myself why it didn’t turn out the other way round….why my parents are not rich…why I have to struggle and work for every last penny. Although my parents are not poor…my mum is richer than my dad and that’s where the problem lies. I tell you I have a fetish for shoes and you admire my collection because apparently I am now a shoe collector…truth is I have struggled with my weight for 7years and found solace in buying shoes instead of clothes as I don’t grow out of them, and always tend to buy myself dresses 2 sizes small with the hope of wearing them someday but eventually end up giving them away.

I have used the last two years to find myself, to fight myself and to release myself. I have gotten reed of all fake designer bags in my closet and put them in the bin. The ones you would have sworn were real. Only the real ones stay now. I decided to get on with losing weight and lost 10kg…not far to go now. I have decided to free myself of vanity and focus on the reality. I am not flattered by what labels are in the store no more. I don’t kill myself to have what I am not capable of having now although I still droll. Still buy and read vogue religiously every month (lol). I gave myself a motor though “there is time for everything” time for Manolo and time for Kurt Geiger….time for Jaeger and time for Miss Selfridge….time for Gucci and time for DKNY. I started to think to myself the people I read in this glossy magazine wearing and carrying this fancies are mostly middle aged, I read of their achievements and I am blown away, they have worked hard and are now enjoying the fruit of their labour (no reference to the models). I on the other hand…am in my mid-twenties, not worked hard enough…achieved tiny and is yet to harvest. Then I thought instead of waste money on big brands just because they put bread and butter together and call it BRETT and present it to me as something I will never taste if I don’t taste it from them doesn’t stop it from being bread and butter. I want to be master chef and not a connoisseur…and so my next assignment is on a business plan that will liberate me and completing set me FREE. I have got yet another track to run.
Happy blogging
Your prodigal blogger
…Lighty…

N.B love you loads...missed you so much...elated to be back.